The Joys of email II
by evil superman
Summary: The emailing continues. This time with Daniel and Janet.
1. Rules guys wish women knew

Title: Rules guys wish women knew

Spoilers: Nope

Season: Shrugs does it matter?

Warnings: Nope

Summary: After an unusual mission Daniel emails Janet to vent.

The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-1, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

Not Betaed

A/N: I guess you could look at this as a continuation of 'The Joys of email' but you don't actually have to have read that one to get this one. I was just surfing the net during school instead of doing my work and was inspired to write another Email story this time with Daniel and Janet.

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From: spacemonkey (at) hotmail (dot) com 

To: napoleonicpowermonger (at) hotmail (dot) com

Subject: Rules guys wish women knew

Hey just got back from the mission from hell. Who'd of thought a planet ruled by women would be such a nightmare? I mean geeze those women would rip into us guys (and yes even Teal'c) for the littlest thing, but of course Sam had the time of her life. You know life would be a whole lot easier if women would just learn these rules.

**Rules guys wish women knew **

If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.

Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.

Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

Crying is blackmail.

Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.

Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

Check your oil.

Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

No, it does not matter which quiz.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

More women should wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

Pumpkin is also a fruit.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

Now why are these rules so hard for women to understand? They're not that complicated. Any way I think I'm done venting now.

Later,

Daniel.


	2. If women ruled the world

Title: If women ruled the world

Summary: Janet's reply (Boy is Spacemonkey in for it know).

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From: napoleonicpowermonger (at) hotmail (dot) com 

To: spacemonkey (at) hotmail (dot) com

Subject: RE: Rules guys wish women knew

Boy you must really like getting big needles jammed in your butt. I can't believe you, you of all people would think like that. If you know what's good for you you'd better steer clear of the infirmary for a while.

Plus I'll bet the men on that planet were more behaved then the ones on this planet. Life would be better if women ruled the world.

**If women ruled the world **

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.

Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.

PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.

A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.

Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.

Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.

Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.

Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.

Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."

Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.

Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.

Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," " I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

So you Daniel Jackson and every other man can take their rules and stuff 'em.

Janet.


End file.
